I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
