More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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