Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
