Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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