Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
