Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
