He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
