Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
