we're chasing vodka with high fives
no, he came in my armpit
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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