fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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