guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there's paper in my vomit.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
They took my balls.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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