Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
