cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
