I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
