just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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