I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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