People with herpes should wear stickers.
smell my finger.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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