mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
