I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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