Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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