She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
