If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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