what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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