I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
