Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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