He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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