operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
