haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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