so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
