i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
