my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
