We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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