Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
50% drunk capacity currently
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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