im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
