My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize