She's JV to your varsity
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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