I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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