Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
