i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
