She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Four minutes until I can fart!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize