So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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