fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
