I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
no, he came in my armpit
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
