Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize