I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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