I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
