we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
