six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
