I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize