you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
