I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
