he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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