Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
