GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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