I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
